Against a Memory
by pratz
Summary: Rachel outlived Quinn.


**Against a Memory**

Author: pratz

Note: Written because the _Glee_ that belongs to Murphy, Brennan and Falchuk is a happily-ever-after _Glee_. Mine, however, is not.

Summary: Rachel outlived Quinn for forty years.

-.-.-.-

They were not allowed to see her body.

Mr Schuester and Coach Sylvester were the only teachers the hospital authority allowed to come to confirm that the casualty of the accident was indeed one Lucy Quinn Fabray. It took only five minutes before Judy Fabray arrived in a complete mess, eyes red and swollen already and clothes rumpled, coming straight from work across Lima. _Only family members and teachers are allowed_, a doctor stated once again, the presumptuous _'you're all too young'_ poorly hidden between his lines.

_If I'm not too young to get married, I'm not too young to see her_, Rachel wanted to protest, but Santana beat her to that. The Latina had exploded, yelling at the top of her lungs that she was Quinn's best friend and teammate and that her father was also a doctor, but not even that could get her into the emergency room. Brittany's arms were tight around Santana's midriff, holding her better half back, herself weeping. Mercedes seemed to have shrunken surrounded by Kurt, Sam and Artie. Puck stood aghast by Finn, and Tina clutched to Mike's left arm as she sobbed. Rachel had never seen them look their age before.

They were young. They were so, so young.

And so was Quinn.

Finn's hand at the small of her back reminded her that she was still wearing the most awful outfit one could wear in a hospital. Rachel looked down at her pristine white wedding gown then at her, borrowing Tina's words, gang of bridesmaids. It was supposed to be a memorable day of white, gold and pink. It was supposed to be a day where people were smiling and laughing so hard they cried.

From the gap of the blinds of the emergency room, she could see a body clad in pink, only the shades much darker it burned her eyes even until the moment Quinn's casket was lowered into the ground the next day. All she saw were bright neon lights in the school bathroom and a flash of red and white of McKinley High's cheerleading uniform. The sun could not get any brighter that day, and years later she realized that Quinn would not want it another way.

Then she too realized with a pang that Quinn would always be eighteen to her.

-.-.-.-

As enjoyable as it was, NYADA came and went like a breeze, and here she was, seven years older, already taking the musical world by a storm.

_Kurt_, she whispered. They were backstage before the last scene. The audience had awaited this final performance of hers before she headed to London for a highly anticipated project with the Royal Theatre. It meant a temporary farewell to New York, but she could really use a break. After all, London was unlike New York with its bright neons of red and white and gold.

_Yes_?

_Have you felt like— _she swallowed,_ like you're living a disjointed life?_

Kurt was quiet for a while before saying, _You're going to be alright, Rachel_.

Somehow she preferred that he lied instead.

-.-.-.-

Finn proposed again when they were twenty eight. And she said yes. She had long wanted a family of her own.

A year after the marriage, she was nominated for and won her first Tony. It was only natural then that she named her firstborn son after the award. Tony was loud and bright-eyed, and Finn and Kurt spoiled him rotten. Kurt even publicly sang for the boy's first birthday on the pier of the Berrys' house back in Lima.

He sang _Happy Days are Here Again_, but even though his voice was wonderful and the song was amazing, Rachel did not join him.

She loved her son, really loved him, but sometimes she wondered whether she was more relieved than happy because her firstborn was not a girl.

-.-.-.-

Tony had a brother two years later. This time Finn got to name him, and since he only had Finn Junior in mind, Rachel insisted that they took Mr Schuester's name, too, making the full name Finn William Hudson. _It's a wonderful name_, Rachel stressed. _Bill is going to be a wonderful man_.

Finn frowned at her picking the nickname from their only two-day old second son's _middle_ name, but if he saw the need to complain, he did not say it.

Someone back then was also called by her middle name, Rachel remembered.

-.-.-.-

On a cloudy morning in the fourth month of her third pregnancy, Leroy called her. New York had not been kind lately with cloudy weather and occasional drizzles in the mornings and evenings, and the tone her father used on the phone only dampened her swinging mood that day.

_Judy has passed away_, Leroy said. _Something about her liver, if I'm not mistaken—with her drinking habit getting worse after Quinn's accident, that's inevitable. Your Dad and I have been taking care of the preparation for the funeral since last night. Well, at least until Frannie's coming today. Poor girl._

She wanted to say something, anything, but she choked on her own words.

_Do you want to attend the funeral?_ Leroy asked, making Rachel feel like she was ten and was picked on and was comforted right after she returned from school. It was not a request, she knew.

She could not believe her own ears as she whispered, _I'll be there._

Respectively, Judy Fabray's funeral was a credo for a family torn apart, rejoined and torn again. The priest that administered it made sure that the eulogy stressed the positives of the Fabrays. Rachel was late for the funeral, giving her fathers a weak excuse that being pregnant slowed her down and all, and a part of her was somewhat glad she missed the eulogy. Then she saw Frannie Fabray stand next to her mother's casket, looking so much like her mother had Judy been younger and the years kinder to her liver.

Two arms from the grieving daughter was Russel Fabray.

_What's that man doing here?_ she whispered to her dad.

Leroy only rubbed her back softly. _He's a family whether we like it or not._

She stayed behind after the funeral, saying that she was making up for her coming late. Her fathers gave her a sad, knowing look, but they didn't oppose to her decision. She was not sure if actually she wanted them to, though.

She put a small bouquet of flower, only the size of her palm, on the marble headstone next to Judy's. She could just imagine Quinn tilted her head a little and said '_Come here'_ in that stern, clipped tone of hers before scolding her for only coming after years had passed.

_They're beautiful_, Frannie said from behind her. She did not even realize Frannie coming. _I heard you were also in the Glee club?_ At Rachel's nod, she continued, eyes still on the flowers Rachel had put, _Thank you. My sister would love them._

_It's gardenia_, she said.

-.-.-.-

Her third child was a girl.

Finn was still on his way from a match in California when she gave birth to her daughter. Fortunately, Brittany and Santana had been there, paying her a visit as they reacquainted themselves with New York. Santana was a mad, mad driver, and Rachel could not help laughing despite the pain rolling in her belly at her friend's bellowing profanities at other drivers to give them way. Two hours later, Brittany and Santana huddled around her as she cradled her daughter. _She's the prettiest girl I've ever met_, Brittany said dreamily as she tickled the baby under the chin, and Rachel swore the room swirled to a dingy toilet with blurred mirrors and stained sinks.

A nurse came to ask for her daughter's name. She kept quiet for a moment, knowing that she should wait for Finn first, but she already knew the name she would give to her daughter even though her husband was not there.

Upon hearing the name, Santana's eyes steeled, and Rachel saw her grip on Brittany's hand tightened. Yet after a brief, tense moment, Santana heaved a sigh and her smile was heavy with pride. Rachel had never seen this side of Santana before.

_Hi, Lucy Quinn_, she greeted her daughter, watching with delight as the baby stirred gently at the name.

-.-.-.-

Four months after the birth, Finn filed a divorce.

_He never hates you or the children,_ Kurt told her. _He just knows he can't win against a memory._

She knew nobody could.

-.-.-.-

Damn her lungs and beyond, she cursed as another series of cough wracked her body, yet it did not stop her from fishing out another stick of cigarette from her pack.

-.-.-.-

She had decided that this would be her last trip back to Lima. Her fathers understood and said they would have no problem flying to New York to visit her and their three grandchildren.

She left Tony and Bill with her fathers, only warning them to not let Tony climb the persimmon tree in the backyard or toss Bill into the pool. Really, her eldest child was Puckerman 2.0 in the making, and she could not help dreading the day Tony would hit high school, sometimes even fearing that he would knock up someone else's daughter before the girl was even eighteen.

She too always wondered how her daughter would look like when she was eighteen, but she hoped it would not look like she was at the moment—taken aback and almost horrified.

Her daughter turned to look at her in the eye and said, _That's my name there, mom._

She offered her a small smile. _I named you after her._

Her daughter relapsed to silence again, but Rachel knew her daughter and her brain. It was not that difficult for her daughter to link why every acceptance speech always ended with a thanks to Quinn Fabray or how there was always a faint, distant ache in Rachel's voice whenever she called her daughter's name. That was exactly why she brought her daughter here today. She owed her this.

_What was she like?  
_

_She's... pretty. Very beautiful,_ she said. _And smart—and by smart I mean Yale smart. And very kind—but not many people know that, unfortunately._

_She must be your best friend, huh,_ her daughter smiled and linked her left arm with her right.

_Kind of_, she said, smiling wider and kissing the top of her daughter's head.

-.-.-.-

A cough.

And another.

Closing her eyes, she took a deep breath to calm the rattle in her chest. From the TV across her bed, an anchor announced that hurdles of Broadway enthusiasts gathered in front of the house. Really, Broadway would not let her go in silence, wouldn't they? The idea almost brought a smile to her lips. Almost.

She had always dreamed of a grandeur exit from life. Her imagination ranged from retiring to an exotic island in Fiji or to a virgin island in Indonesia, for example, to giving her most magnificent performance with her dying breath. They would fit Rachel Berry, really, but there was a reason why they were called a dream.

In the end, she could not be more content than this. Her family and friends were here, around her bed. Tony held her left hand. Bill, always her dearest softie, was comforted by Finn at her feet. Her daughter sat next to her head, fingers softly stroking her graying hair. Her fathers, old and weary but healthy nonetheless, were here, too. Santana, Brittany and Kurt were on her right, none of them wanting to jostle the IV on her arm. The rest of the Glee club was coming, but she knew they were not going to make it as she wheezed once again.

_Damn, that hurt,_ she thought. _Now this is a drama I can't appreciate, can I?_

A gentle touch on her right hand made her open her eyes, and for the first time in a very long time, her sight was clear, her chest light, her heart free.

Quinn was standing there, holding her hand, looking as young and beautiful and radiant as she always was at eighteen with short blond hair framing her face and a pair of eyes so achingly gentle that Rachel could not be any happier.

It was perfect.

_Wait for me_, she mouthed. _I'm on my way_.

-.-.-.-


End file.
